“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.”
— Albert Camus
I’ve realized one thing, until a certain point in my life, I’ve been on autopilot. I’ve been unaware of the gaping disconnect between my mind, heart, and body. There was no user’s manual to tell me what mode I had switched on but there was always something telling me, I was not myself. I rarely felt like my own person, I was detached from everything. Experiences, family, social connection, and goals. The essence of every variable that made my person unique, felt void and distant, like a vivid film, I was a spectator to the daily life of Prayan Jegathees without realizing I had control of the wheel.
This was most prominent in my teen years, I think it’s pretty common for most teens to go through an identity crisis while trying to find themselves. The more I reflect on the experiences of the past, the more I realize that many people, myself included, struggle to move past this stage; from what I see, the reason for this struggle is that the problem is either never sought out in the first place, or the person doesn’t realize they’ve been trapped at all!
For so long, it was a challenge to recognize myself in my own skin. I rarely identified with the tendencies of the driver I unconsciously allowed to take the wheel. I was not myself. I wasn’t myself for years. ****Everything I lied myself into believing was false and incomplete, unrealized in thought, and yet I let it walk me through decision-making in daily life. As I searched within myself for answers to questions about my identity, I never spotted the glaring issue hidden in plain sight.
Auto = Automatic.
The glaring problem with being on autopilot lies in the root of the term, auto. Every next moment in one’s life is defined by the micro-decisions of the present. To allow oneself to become reactive, robotic, or automatic in response, it becomes easy in any one instance to make a decision that the more thoughtful or logical self would hesitate to support. This is the seed in which regret takes shape, the blind and uncontrolled automatic response is a poison. Think back, has there been a situation in your life in which you made a quick decision you wish to take back? Did you let the situation control you internally, cloud your judgment, and act severely out of order? As humans, we have full autonomy of our mind, body, and soul, it is the harmony of the three which allows a person to show their truest virtue and potential. It is when the three are conflicting against each other, consciously or otherwise, when autopilot moves in as a cope for stress. Autopilot helps the person ignore their internal consciousness instead, acting in a static haze, without clear thought or intention. Be aware of yourself, your tongue, your thoughts, and your intentions in every moment to maintain hold of the wheel. There are moments where autopilot is helpful, but to allow the external environment to blindly decide for you when it comes out is dangerous.
Wake up.
Be aware of yourself in every moment, and inevitably when you next notice yourself going into autopilot, snap yourself out of it or at least reflect on it afterward. Be mindful.
Pilot = Decision Maker
Do you lead your own life? Are you in charge of your own thoughts, actions, and decisions at every moment? Of course, sure you are, but is everything you choose to do what you believe in? For myself, it’s taken me years and years of my life to start questioning my own identity, it’s a scary process. I doubted everything about myself, everything.
Who even am I?
It was a question filled with so much resentment and insecurity, I never understood why I felt so disconnected from my own self. So detached. I didn’t relate to anyone, how could I when I didn’t even know myself? I may have laughed, made jokes, made memories, and experiences, and expressed myself the best I knew how at the time, but even then I didn’t know who I was. I was living my life as it came and went, my time spent following the flow others chose for me, never carving my own path, never taking hold of the wheel.
In my case, I’m the youngest sibling, I never felt entitled to take hold of the wheel in the first place. Respect is ingrained in every fiber of my being, reinforced and taught through traditional South-Asian Tamil culture. If you’re youngest, shut up, your opinion doesn’t matter when the elders are talking. Naturally I got into the habit of repressing my own thoughts and emotions to not inconvenience those around me. This habit followed me through childhood and on as I grew up, gradually, I grew more and more dissatisfied suppressing myself everywhere I went – with friend groups and all social circles- simply following others was not enough for me. I was not the driver in my own life. I let everyone make decisions for me and I had to change.
It took me time to snap myself out of the trance I got stuck in, now that I have the wheel, I feel alive. More alive now, through uncertainty and hardship. More awake through insecurity and darkness, finally,
I have the wheel
I’m 20 years old, I don’t know anything about anything. Don’t mistake me and think I’m pretending to have life figured out, I don’t, but I will say, once you have control of your own life, and I mean a good solid grip, fear melts away, curiosity takes its place, motivation takes its place, clarity, gratitude, that burning flame within your heart to prove your worth to the world and yourself takes its place. Insecurity fades away like a weight off your shoulders, insignificant and not worth the time. The road ahead becomes clear. Take the wheel.
Only by finding yourself can you begin to pave your future, until then, you’ll be driving blind, afraid of every unknown ahead.
– Prayan Jegathees