November 2023.
“There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportions.”
— Christopher Marlowe
What is this ember that fuels my growth, yet cages my perception? This weight that never seems to disappear. What is the honest result of such a pressure that drives you to the edge of mastery and the brink of insanity all the same? As if a prophecy has been set upon you from childhood as the ‘One’ chosen to follow a path before your time, and etched without your say. In your hands lies the fate of yourself and that of all those around you. A destiny set seemingly upon the wrong person because that path is not the one for me.
This essay might take a different turn than what the title implies, I hope it can be universally applied to whoever reads this, into your own life, since these are all entirely personal to help me reflect on my own world views and subconscious opinions.
It’s as if I’m prone to taking on responsibility I’m not ready to shoulder. But that’s the game.
The legacy of my family is on me. I can’t stop or else I’ll waste this blessing my family’s worked so hard for. I’d disappoint my people. Everyone’s in my corner. Like I’m some golden boy, Like I’m the accumulation of their whole life’s struggles, all that hardship to end up with this unconventional ball of awkward for a son. I’m a narcissist I guess. But I’d say it’s pretty accurate.
‘Don’t talk back.’ ‘Do what you’re told.’ ‘Don’t ask questions.’
I’m supposed to be the perfect child. Like some robot. But I’m not. That’s not me, and I’ve forced myself to uphold some image to not disappoint the people I love. But the more I think about it. Suppressing myself brings about this counterintuitive result, where I quell the potential in me, and limit myself to the level of what the people in my circle expect of me, which will never be higher than the expectations I have for myself. It’s an incorrect way of living. I’m blessed to have the luxury of a free and opportune life, I must not squander it with a dull existence I daily resent.
I realize now, I was extremely bubbled in life, and rarely exposed the powerfully resonant mischievous individuality at the core of my true nature, and now know no other way than to repress him. An imposter within my own family, and of course the symptoms channeled outwards into the world as well, playing a role I was not meant to play. I suppressed my truest form to uphold a rippling mirage of a person. My energy went to fighting battles within myself to uphold an image for my family, of who I was, for ‘their sake,’ as if I wasn’t hiding for my own reasons on the inside.
Should I decide to maintain the façade, in the end, I would disappear from this world, forever unknown by the ones closest by my side. I would’ve spent the rest of my days living a life in quiet, frustrated angst and desperation. That’s not fun at all. Life’s supposed to be freeing, and enlightening. You let your fears of judgement dominate your existence. I cannot reasonably blame them for being shocked by the real me once that persona inevitably fades. The resilient, strong-willed individual with his own plan, own agenda and a path set that he intends to walk whether it is supported by them or not. Because it is his own. But that’s the thing, they would support you. You’re fortunate enough Prayan to have a family that would stand behind you. If you’ve found a path that is the one for you, they will be there. You just haven’t let them in to see. You’re afraid to let them see because you don’t want to destroy the image they have of you; it feels like you’re failing them by being yourself and not letting them puppeteer you. That’s not true, you’ve just found your own way. You’re like Pinocchio now big dawg (side note, you should watch that movie.) And besides, it’s okay to fail. You’ve taken a burden upon yourself to build this legacy and do something meaningful, beyond family business or the life of a corporate slave. That was you! Failure is a natural part of the journey. Stop hiding and pretending you’ve got your shit together. You don’t! Your family is the love and support you need, and are blessed enough to have around you to help you grow beyond that failure. Don’t isolate yourself from your family and loved ones. You’re fortunate enough to have people in this life who are behind you 100%. This world is too lonely to go through life alone. Hold the people around you close, let them see you for the real you.
Understand that things will be difficult at first. Especially if you have an Amma like Amma. She lives for you. She lives for family. More so than you could ever understand. She has this perfect image of you. In some ways, she’s too attached to let her baby boy grow apart from her. She’ll hold tight. White knuckles, no joke. She’ll want to keep you for herself, selfishly, and ultimately, if you let her, to the detriment of her, you and anyone in the vicinity. You’re not a puppet to be guided every move. Mistakes are natural. Let her acclimate to your imperfect, honest, purest self dai. Amma is not your enemy. Let her in. She’s the only mother you’ve got, and she has your back. I can see (because I’m literally inside your head) why you feel like she’s too stubborn to accept who you are, but you’ve got to let her see her son for who he really is. And Appa too. Stop hiding. Tell the truth, or at least don’t lie. THAT WAS THE WHOLE THING IN THE BOOK! With your family, keep it real. You might be surprised by what comes of it, and I’d say that’s worth more than anything that comes from hiding. If you are odds with yourself, the last place to look is externally.
I am my own person. With individuality comes friction, dispute, tears, anger, searing pain, late nights, fights, heart-break, disappointment, and eventually through all of that, hopefully, a healthier, tighter, more authentic bond. That’s family.
*** Author’s note: I noticed that when I write, I unconsciously write as if I’m speaking to a crowd, or lecturing. I have nothing to teach to anyone, I shouldn’t be acting like I do, even in my writing, which is entirely for myself anyway. I don’t know anything, but the knowledge that this text is likely ending up online to share with the world somewhere changes the way I do my reflections and I don’t like that. The only way my writing remains authentic is by writing to myself about my observations. Not like some professor who half understands a topic and pretends to know more than he does, because I DON’T. That’s all. I’m writing this before I get into the actual topic, lets see how this translates.*
Much love to all the millions of future readers I imagine in my head. Hopefully Brainfood is something useful to you. I’m grateful my work is making a healthy impact on your life. Keep pushing. I don’t know all the answers, and I bet you don’t either. That’s why you’re here! Ha. I’m figuring stuff out all the time, and the more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know. Turns out, that’s a pretty wise thing to understand. You’re on the right track. Just keep your head on straight and you’ll turn out okay. Thanks. Back to writing the actual stuff.
– Prayan Jegathees :p